I Believe In Yesterday

The Fire Before the Storm

I'm sticking with the song lyric theme.  It's been 10 days since our house burned down.  I've been feeling like I'm in a fog lately.  What just happened?  I ask Wendy, "Can you believe it?"  I woke up today feeling like it's time for some therapy writing, some introspectiveness, some reminiscing.

"Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away.  Now it looks as though they're here to stay.  Oh, I believe in yesterday."

Just a reminder that I am not a therapist,  I'm a Hereiswhatimthinkin'ist.  WARNING: Some of this may sound messed up.  

"How are you?" My house burned down.  "We feel so bad for you." Makes sense.  My house burned down.  "Is there anything you need?" Do you have a Coke Zero?  My house burned down.  I know.  This doesn't sound like Mr. Positive from 10 days ago.  It sounds like a guy whose house just burned down.  People definitely are treating me differently.  I was in Target shopping for toothpaste and nose hair clippers (the essentials).  I cut off a lady in line because I wasn't paying attention.  She gave me a death look.  "Sorry, my house burned down." I said instinctively.  She cleared the way.    

"My House Burned Down"

What if everyone we met, do business with, or are married to, we spoke to them like we knew their house burned down.  Would that be good or bad?  In the last week, I've had 100's of people reach out from all walks of life.  It's pretty amazing.  It's overwhelming.  But it confirmed, I am not living in normal times.  Too much nice isn't normal.  I'm actually getting numb to nice.  I miss normal.  I miss 1057 Chautauqua.  

"Suddenly,  I'm not half the man I used to be.  There's a shadow hanging over me.  Oh, yesterday came suddenly."

Mark Alson and I went to elementary school together.  He's a Dr. and shared a post from a psychiatrist friend who's house burned down in 2018.  The post was about what not to say to fire victims.  

Here's his summary (I emphasize "his")

1. Don't offer specific things (shoes, shirts, etc.) because you put the person in position to have to say no.

2. Don't offer support that requires a specific time and place (I can provide dinner at 7pm on Thursday).

3. Don't ask details like "What did you lose?" "How much insurance did you have?  Is it enough?  

4. Don't ask to see pics or decide to visit their home (ashes) on your own.

5. Don't tell them about other people who have it worse to try and make them feel better.

6. Don't tell them to look at the positive and say, "At least ____ (fill in the blank)."

7. Don't breakdown and add to their grief.  Now they feel bad, for you feeling bad.

8. Don't tell them it was God's message to the universe.

9. Simply tell them you are grateful they are safe; you are there for them for whatever they need; and let them tell you their story when they are ready.

Look, it's pretty sound advice for many fire victims.  In most cases like this, less is more.  However, for me,  I'm not that sensitive.  I know you care.  I know it's hard to figure out what to say or do.  Don't worry, it's not everyday that your friend, cousin, brother, uncle, son-in-law, co-worker, or stranger's house burns down.  Don't sweat it.  Ask a fucking way.  What do you want to know?  I'm an open book.  I'm the Fire Victim's Bible: GenesInsurance, ExoDustEverywhere, LevitiNoJustification.

"Why she had to go? I don't know, she wouldn't say. I said something wrong. Now I long for yesterday."

Thanks to our cousins Josh and Lisa we are in a rental home in Manhattan Beach.  We are the lucky ones.  From house on fire; to bunking with the Pearls; to moving in.  All within 7 days.  That is living proof that our peeps are peeping.  They peeped all over the place. #grateful.

Peep Patrol

We Love You Peeps

There is no doubt Wendy, Julia, Reid and I are going through different stages of grief.  ChatGPT lists the 5 stages as Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance and Denial, Denial, Denial.  In no way will I compare the lost of a person to the loss of a home.  Hannah lost her brother, Steve lost his son, Saka lost her Dad.  1057 Chautauqua does not compare.  I lost my parents, I lost Joe, I lost Markus.  1057 does not compare.  When you really think about it, what did I really lose that I can't replace?  Fuck, I lost my hole-in-one ball.  

Nice belly shirt. Fuck.

Truthfully, I feel like I'm stuck in Denial and Anger.  I'm reluctant to enter the Bargaining stage because that stage sounds very anti-semitic.  Who came up with these stage names?  Can I skip Depression?  I don't like that stage.  When will I be able to jump to Acceptance?  

I had my own notion of grief.

I thought it was the sad time

That followed the death of 

Someone you love.

And you had to push through it 

To get to the other side.

But I’m learning there is no other side.

There is no pushing through

But rather,

There is absorption,

Adjustment,

Acceptance.

And grief is not something you complete,

Bur rather, you endure.

Grief is not a task to finish

And move on,

But an element to yourself –

An alteration of your being. 

A new way of seeing.

A new definition of self 

 

BY: E.E. CUMMINGS

"Yesterday love was such an easy game to play. Now I need a place to hide away. Oh, I believe in yesterday."

We haven't been able to get into our neighborhood yet.  Safety reasons.  So, not 100% sure what we will find.  Our insurance is with USAA.  They have been so supportive.  I want to make love to USAA.  I keep hearing stories about cancelled insurance policies and shit like that.  It's painful to see what our community is going through.  But for the most part, so many companies have been doing the right thing.  I've heard about generous discounts from Viouri, AG1, Living Spaces and many others (linked here).  The "Worse Retailer Fire Response" winner is Peloton.  Many of our community lost equipment and I emailed their CEO to help.  Exercise provides me with some level of sanity.  Peloton decided to offer a 0% discount to all victims.  Congratulations Peloton.  You won!  

Peloton, you need to learn from Will and Haley Holbrow.  They are victims.  But they took action.  

Palisades Forever.  Peloton Whatever.

By mistake (I think), I received this email yesterday.  

                                        

Friday: Join us for S'Mores as we roast marshmallows and gather around the neighborhood fire pit.

Saturday:  Join us as guest Tony Robbins teaches Firewalking across your burnt driveways.

Sunday:  Join us for the Fireworks Finale synchronized to "Don't Stop Believing."

"Why she had to go? I don't know, she wouldn't say. I said something wrong.  Now I long for yesterday."

My reason for blogging is part therapy and part hoping it will help someone in some weird way.  If just a smile, a laugh, a mindset shift.  It fills my heart that my post Burning Down The House was read and shared by so many people.  Actually, I think it's mostly because my fraternity brother Scott Galloway mentioned our loss on his podcast.  He has like 100 million followers.  

From the bottom of my burnt heart I thank you all for your love and support through all of this.  I just turned 60 in November.  All walks of life from Kindergarten to my AARP support group have reached out. How lucky are we?  They say happiness is defined by the number of deep personal relationships you have ("Hygge").  Ours go deep.  Our list is long.  Our happiness is defined.   

My cousin Rob wrote The Balance Equation and he coined "Micro Moves."  Basically, if you want to change a behavior you have to start somewhere.  Do something.  Even if it's a small move.  Micro moves, will eventually turn into something bigger.  We have started.  We are micro moving. 

"Yesterday love was such an easy game to play. Now I need a place to hide away...

Oh, I believe in yesterday."

DENIAL