Feeling That Way

 

It doesn't feel real.  Will it ever?

It's been 2 weeks since our house burned down.  Many have encouraged me to keep writing.  I think mostly because they think since my house burned down, I need a "feelings outlet."  I am the Mayor of Compartmentalizing Your Feelings City.  It's the city I visit when shit happens.  When life happens.  It's quiet.  It's cerebral. It's non-verbal.  It's probably not healthy.  When shit happens to Wendy, she cleans.  When shit happens to me, I eat.  I'm the only person that has gained weight during dry January.  Yes, I'm 23 days in; my house burned down; and I've had 0 cocktails.  I'm really looking forward to Heroin February.  Sorry to joke about heroin addiction.  But I should get a pass, right?  How long should I get a pass for sarcastic, angry, short-tempered, forgetful, fuck it behavior?  More than 2 weeks. That's for sure.

"Opened my eyes to a new kind of way. All of the good times that you saved. Are you feelin', you feelin' that way too. Or am I just. Am I just your fool?"

Blogging is therapy.  The writing part and the feedback part.  Sometimes I think people are being overly nice because my house burned down, or do they really enjoy reading about my sorrows?  Come on.  What are they going to say? "Your blog sucks.  But I remember when we worked together, and you're the only person I know whose house burned down. Sorry bro."  I'm going to share some feedback and you can be the judge.  

        "That was great, I hope it reaches a lot of people."

        "Thank you for sharing your experience; your words are inspiring and reflect beauty of your heart and spirit."

        "I don't know if it's been therapeutic for you, but I certainly found it therapeutic, and entertaining and inspiring."

        "Your writing puts people smack into an emotional space you're in with no filters or guardrails - and helps us feel it together."

        "I want you to know that your blog helps me not in "some weird way" as you say, but rather in the most basic and fundamental ways."

Hmmmm. The feedback does sound authentic.  It makes me happy.  The last quote was from Ronda Manders.  Her son died from a hiking accident in November.  For her to read my blog and write me stirs up a variety pack of emotions (that was for Hannah). Yes.  Writing is very therapeutic for me.  It is helping.  But if people didn't read it, would it really be therapeutic?  Probably not.  Actually, for sure not.  I think that means there is ego involved.  The feedback fuels something.  It makes me feel better.  Thank you.  And feedback from someone who recently lost their son, fuels guilt.  Thank you.  I'm grateful Ronda read it and got something from it.  I feel guilty because my loss doesn't compare.  But it's not her fault I feel guilty.  I'm not 100% sure why I feel guilty.  But I do.  Anyway, I've saved $1,000's by not going to therapy.  It's a good thing I'm the Mayor (see above).

"When the summer's gone. She'll be there standing by the light. Once she's been to where she's gone to. She should know wrong from right. Is she feelin'. Are you feelin', you feelin' that way too."

However, there are some people that clearly did not read my last blog where the psychiatrist listed what not to say to fire victims.  I emailed an associate from the private equity firm that purchased my Company in 2022.  I asked him to consider purchasing all (or some) of my shares that I acquired from the sale, because my house burned down.   In his lackluster response he said, "I'm sure it is more emotional but at the end of the day, it is just a home and material stuff."  Please help me congratulate this week's "Totally Out Of Touch" award winner, Private Equity Man.  On the other hand, my friend Shoney asked if I was able to grab his leather jacket that he left at my house the month before the fires.  He was joking of course, and I laughed my ass off.  But Private Equity Man was serious.  Heartless. Sad.  

We're doing ok. I think.

"How are you doing?" is the most common question.  It makes sense.  Don't feel bad if you've asked me that.   I get it.  People want to check in and it's an easy ask to not mistakingly feel like you might be asking the wrong thing.  But it's not an easy question to answer.  We are doing.  We are living.  But it certainly depends on the moment.  Overall, I'm feeling pretty good, considering.  But, not sure why I'm so tired.  It feels like we've been forced into a new adventure.  A new chapter.  I guess that's not a bad thing.  However, I prefer to control the timing of my life events.  Like moving to another city.  When you are forced to make a life change, it tests you.  It challenges your core, and digs into your soul.  Someone shared a quote with me recently, "Life is not what happens, but how you respond to what happens." How am I doing?  I don't fucking know.

"A new road's waiting, you judged my life, whoa. Soft and warm on a summer's night. You're the only one, I told you, the only one I love. The lovely one (the lovely one) I'm thinking of."

Update:  Feeling Heard.

What I do know is the natural thing to do is to try and do normal things to trick your mind into getting back on track.  I want to exercise and get back into my routine.  That's why I called Peloton to repurchase by lost equipment.  UPDATE ALERT:  Peter Stern (CEO) got back to me and apologized for Peloton's delayed response and overall silence since the fires.  He took ownership.  He promised a response this week.  I felt heard.  I guess that's all I needed.  To feel heard.  To feel like my voice matters.  I was dying to do something for our community.  Anything.  What can I do?  That's what everyone else has been asking me.    

I continue to shop Vuori (40% off) to restock my lost wardrobe.  I asked the person helping me, "Do you want to hear what I like most and least about your clothes."  "Sure." she shrugged.  I said, "I love how soft your fabric is.  But I don't like how long your tags are."  She smiled and said, "You're supposed to rip the tags off."  

Who knew?

Normalcy for me is getting back into my routine.  Wake up. Coffee. Work. Eat. Read. Podcast. Eat. Golf. Hang. Exercise. Laugh. Eat. Repeat.  It's just been hard do feel normal.  Probably too soon.  I can't expect a fast return.  How long is it going to take?  How long until I feel normal?  I haven't been able to pick up the book I was reading before the fires.  I'm not sure why.  Oh, maybe it's because it burned.  It wasn't that good anyway.  During the last 2 weeks, I've watched a lot less TV and been doing some very lite reading.  

I've been reading about eye brow shapes. Mine are rounded.

It's just been hard to concentrate. That's been my new normal.  Focus.  Distraction.  Focus. Distraction.

Everyone I know that lost their home has said the same thing; the generosity from others has been amazing.  I heard a story from our friend's Hank and Rachael that the neighborhood synagogue moved their services, so the Palisades congregation could feel some sense of normalcy by all being together after the fires.  They also purchased items for all the kids.  All in 48 hours.  People rally.  Peeps show up.  The outpouring of support for me, Wendy, Julia and Reid has been overwhelming. Amazing. Spiritual. Silver lining. Pound gaining.  We will be #forevergrateful.  

We've received: 

Underwear. Madhappy clothes. Tequila. Golf balls. Underwear. Hat. Shoes. Ice Cream. Brownies. Sweatshirts. Electric Toothbrushes. Flowers. Contact lenses. Homemade Chili. Underwear. Shoes. Luggage. Candy. Cookies. Really Good Cookies.  Underwear.  Onion dip. Tortilla Chips. Corey Seager Bobblehead. Family Pictures. Peloton Bike (not from Peloton). Dinners. Coffee Machine. Snacks. Kleenex, Lotion and a Vibrator.  Yes, a vibrator.  I can't reveal who the gift was from because it was given anonopussly.  

I have found that among its other benefits, giving liberates the soul of the giver 

                                                                                                                        - Maya Angelou

I probably even missed some of the gifts above.  Sorry pass used here.  The Peeps have definitely out down themselves.  Peeps, it's now time for the 2- week official white flag.  A heartful "thank you" and a considerate "no mas".  Please.  I'm up 10 pounds since my house burned down.  I think the Entin's lost 3 houses.  Fuck.  I'd be up 30 pounds.  I'm a C.P.A. by trade (quick with math).  I feel sorry and guilty for the Entins.  Guilty that we only lost one home, and they lost 3.  Mayor time again.

A somewhat normal moment with Chayim

How do we get back to normal?  Will it ever seem that way again?  One strategy that's working is Rob Fiance's micro - moves' philosophy.  I am trying to find something each day that feels normal.  Maybe it's my morning AG1 drink.  Which, by the way,  they overnighted free inventory because of the fires.  Or maybe a round of golf with the WGE (Worst Golfers Ever).  Monday night, it was watching sports with Chayim Frankel.  Chayim and I share a love for LA sports.  Not so much the Clippers, but he had floor seats.  Rule #1: Never turn down floor seats.  Chayim is the Cantor at Kehillat Israel and one of the most generous people you will ever meet.  He lives to help people.  It felt normal.  Somewhat. Thank you Chayim.

Dr. Frey shared that his high school classmate Greg Perlman (and wife Jodi) have a giving organization called Change Reaction.  They cut individual checks to those most in need.  I heard Greg interviewed, and it resonated with me.  It's very cool what his organization is doing for people.  Coincidentally, I learned that Chayim was meeting with Greg and the Change Reaction team to help the community the next day.  Hmmm...

It got me thinking.  The Mayor be workin'.  We get to choose how we react.  When life happens, it's how you respond.  Yes, we lost our home.  We lost it all.  But we didn't lose who we are.  We're still here.  Our Peeps are here.  WGE is here.  Mr. Heartless is still here.  Deep in my burnt heart, I know we will be fine.  In time, but fine.  But time does not stop.  It knows no fire.  It knows no grief.  We all have our own time limit.  We must continue to live.  I shall live.  You reading (and sharing) this helps me live.  Helps me get closer to normal.  A step. Thank you.  

It got me thinking more. 10,000 people read my blogs.  If even $10 per person, then I can raise $100,000 or whatever.  I'm going to work with Chayim to make sure those in need get a check.  We will do our own Change Reaction and follow Greg and Jodi's lead.  How can you help?  Give a little bit. Live a little bit.   Share my blog with others and let's live together.  Join my Peeps. 

CLICK TO LIVE

"She'll be there standing by the light. Once she's been to where she's gone to. She should know wrong from right. Is she feeling. Are you feelin', you feelin' that way too (Whoa). 

How am I feeling?  I feel I'm ready to help.  I'm ready to give.  I'm ready to live.  Again.

I'm Feeling That Way Too...

CLICK TO LIVE. PLEASE.